7:02am. Ryan is lying next to me, slowly rejoining the world. I took him to bed with me for some morning cuddles; he fell back asleep instead. Now I have the privilege of watching him wake up and truly greet the day. It may be my very favourite thing to do.
He opens his eyes and waits – for what, I’m not sure, but he waits. It’s raining outside. The light from the window is gentler this morning as it first brushes his eyes. He stares at the leaves on our tree in silent reverence. It’s true, they really are a wonder.
A few minutes pass. Heaven. He finally turns to me, pauses to recalibrate, and smiles. My baby boy is here. We take his sleep sac off, then the jammies and the sopping diaper. I barely have time to do up the fresh diaper before my gentle waker is on his belly practicing his crawling. He’s instantly everywhere. The energy is bursting out of him full throttle.
It’s now 7:14 and I wonder how on earth I’m going to keep my spirited boy entertained (and quiet!!) so that daddy can have a sleep-in downstairs. Hmm.
And then I see it: the Jolly Jumper. That should last us a good 15 minutes.
It’s 7:00 in the morning. Munchkin is fast asleep in my arms… again. I foresee a lot of early morning posts in my future.
We had a great night going into yesterday. Ryan slept for a good portion of the night between feeds which meant I could attempt some shut eye (though he’s such a loud little bugger when he sleeps, it’s hard to actual doze off). This last night was a different story. He slept just fine as long as he was being held… constantly. The second I put him down, all hell broke loose.
So I’m catching up on my email, online shopping, and contemplating life.
It seems my biggest challenge right now is the lack of control. I’ve been such a control freak my entire life and now, I’ve lost control over the most basic things (eating, sleeping, etc). Things that seem to work with Ryan one day make him scream bloody murder the next. Not being able to control the situation has turned me into a ball of nerves.
But I suppose that’s what parenting is about and there’s a life lesson in there somewhere. Parenting might just be the greatest teacher for staying present in the moment.
Looking backwards can be frustrating (like when you look at your bed wondering how you took those glorious nights of slumber for granted) and it’s pointless – those moments are gone.
Looking forward is a crap shoot. In an hour, Ryan and I might be napping peacefully together (fingers crossed!) or we might be back in the emergency room. Flip a coin.
So all that’s left is the here and now. It’s now 7:27am and he’s still slumbering. Rather than worry about what being held might mean for his future sleeps, I’m just going to enjoy this peaceful moment. If only the tea delivery service would wake up. 🙂
Letting go is difficult. Transitions are difficult. Slowing down can be excruciating.
I’ve spent the majority of the last two weeks at home resting, reading, watching movies, reading, resting, watching movies…
As I learn to settle into this new (temporary and transitional) phase of my life and let go of my former super-charged schedule, I keep mulling over these words:
“What if one day you realized the best moments in life come in the mundane, everyday moments? But you were only fully present on special occasions… And someday, I’ll be grateful I didn’t miss my life.”
I ate every meal at a table (NOT a desk), sitting down, doing nothing else but eating. Who knew?!
I deleted all of the social media apps on my phone (except Instagram – I like taking pictures!) I need more quiet moments to notice the raindrops and let magic in.
I logged out of every social media site on my computer. It seems I check them mostly out of habit. When I navigate to one without thinking and stumble upon a login page, 9 times out of 10, I don’t care enough to log in.
I ate tremendous amounts of greens. Tremendous.
I left work at 5:30 and got my steps in. I love the rain.
I’m up, alert, and enjoying the quiet before the day gets going.
Right before I disappeared to bed last night, I wrote this in my journal…
I’ve been thinking a lot about how finite life is, how this is really it and how each day passes without a do-over. I guess for some people that would serve as a stern kick in the butt – a motivator to get going, start doing, and be someone more. For me, after almost 30 years of pedal-to-the-metal overachieving, I just want to slow down and live. I already feel like life is passing me by and I might totally miss it if I don’t slow down soon.
Being alive is a privilege. I want a long life filled with love (friends and family), great food (coffee!) and the occasional adventure. I want dinner dates and pretty things. I want trips to far away places and cozy weekends at home. I want to savour life and not feel like I’m on a speeding training racing towards the proverbial next step (do we ever get there? where is there?) I want to read books and loiter, and occasionally do yoga. I want to write in my journal about all of the things I want. I want the life I already have…
So, with that, I’m letting myself off the hook. Again.