Maya truth number one: I am fiercely competitive. I mean fiercely. To this day, I remember with pain the day our test scores were announced in grade 8 science and my best friend dethroned me from my usual top spot by 0.5%. I cried when I got home (over a 97% or something equally ridiculous). To this day, I also remember how amazing it felt to be placed on stage in front of my entire graduating class to be told I was the most accomplished student. I love to win, hate to lose, and have to work daily at not treating life as one big competition (I’m also apparently a huge nerd).
Maya truth number two: I have had the bittersweet (mostly incredibly sweet) fortune of being surrounded by some of the world’s most amazing people. Among my nearest and dearest are people who are incredibly accomplished, inspiring, beautiful, intelligent, funny, passionate, driven, and otherwise absolutely amazing. What better test for someone who is attempting to fix her competitive character than incredible competition every single day of the week.
The combination of my first and second truths has led to my third, very private truth: I am painfully insecure. When I don’t actively work on it, when I get too stressed and carried away, I turn all of that amazingness around me into a deep-seated inferiority complex. After much time of actively working on myself, this is getting better but I still have days like today when I feel like it’s me against the world and I’ve lost before I’ve even started.
… but then, after too many stupid tears, I realized this very important fact…
This is a terrible way to look at life. Terrible. There will always be people who are “better” and “worse” if that’s how you choose to look at it; this type of competition is an absolutely fruitless game. It will never, ever end…
Out of all of this has come my forth, brand new truth: all I can strive for is being the best version of me, accordingly solely to my standards, because when you’re living the truest version of yourself, you’ve won… and the game completely falls away.
So tonight, this 19th of December, 2010, I am putting all of this out there so that I can finally move on.
Next chapter: allowing the amazingness around me to inspire me…. 🙂
Thanks for being amazing… namaste!