Today was the first truly cold, windy day in Toronto after a long, hot, perfect summer. The air was crisp. The skies were dark and mysterious. It was the kind of day that makes the imminent change in season very, very real. It was my favourite kind of day.
Every time the seasons change, I can’t help but be reminded of just how quickly time is passing and how much I “haven’t” accomplished. Fall is almost upon us which means five seasons have passed since I graduated from my bachelors. I have a well crafted answer prepared for when people inevitably ask me what I plan to do next – the same type of craftiness necessary to answer why you’re not yet married, why you don’t have kids, or some other question that really isn’t anyone’s business. “I want to take some time to get truly bored and allow wisdom to come from that boredom,” I would say, and in part, I meant it. I have spent the majority of my life in school, with the last six years frantically working and studying full-time. I was tired and I needed a break. But in part, I was really trying to avoid all of those expectations of what the next step should be.
In high school, I was valedictorian. I graduated with an almost perfect average and I sat on so many committees, my wee teenage bum hurt. University wasn’t as smooth but despite everything, I still managed to graduate with distinction without much effort. School was my thing; I always did it well. Unfortunately for me, with success in academics came the unwanted burden of everyone’s super high expectations. “You’ll be a great lawyer some day!” “You’d make a fine doctor!” “You’ll be Prime Minister! Just wait and see!” Don’t get me wrong, it was all very flattering… until all of those voices got mighty muddled with what I actually wanted, what I actually thought I was good at. It has taken me many painful years to finally come to this conclusion: I don’t want to be a lawyer, doctor, or even Prime Minister! That statement is still ridden with guilt, and sometimes I still feel like a failure for not pursuing those lofty goals, but what I’ve finally come to realize is this:
1. This life is my own.
2. No one really gives a shit anyways.
Those two things make me smile wide.
So as the summer gives way to fall, as 2010 will inevitably give way to 2011, I am giving way to a new attitude. From here on in, I commit to being me, unapologetically, even and especially if that means me exactly as I am.
Blah, blah, blah… happy Thursday! 🙂